To deal with my anxiety, one of the avenues I have explored, is Neuro Linguistic Programming and how it can be used to cope with and hopefully overcome any mental issues/blocks one may be experiencing.

I have been doing whatever possible to cope with the fact that my heart is healing. I fell in love with a boy, when I am a grown ass woman who has bigger balls than he ever will. That is just how it is. There is nothing wrong with that. He just clearly needs a woman with a weaker disposition who will willingly accept his bullshit and not ever question his motives or goals.

A little over a year ago, through a friend, I met a certified clinical hypnotherapist. Say what you will about alternative methods, but if you have never tried them and are still willing to dismiss them, I sincerely wish I had all of your confidence and all of your answers. I admittedly do not, and I am not afraid or ashamed to ask for help when I need it. I recognize that I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to explore and appreciate these methods because stress and anxiety and fear are no joke when they are all you can think about. And if you are one of the chosen ones who isn’t affected by any kind of mental issue, I truly envy you because I would not wish one millisecond of the overwhelming feeling of anxiety on my worst enemy. If you have never had a panic attack, be thankful that you have never mistaken it for a heart attack and have never had to go to the hospital to ease your fears.

But I digress. What my NLP guy does is try to bring emotions to the forefront so they can be recognized by your brain and somehow ‘reprogrammed’ so that one no longer associates a particular memory with certain feelings. More clearly, he had me think of four especially painful moments I experienced when I was in my last relationship.

Once, my ex woke up in the middle of the night practically choking to death. I watched and listened to him literally stop breathing for a couple of seconds. Several times I suggested he go to the doctor and make sure he didn’t have sleep apnea. Of course, he didn’t listen. So, when he woke me up out of a dead sleep, my first reaction was, ‘Are you okay?’ Clearly, that was the wrong question. I was supposed to just ‘Leave him the fuck alone’ followed by a barrage of names. Flinching, I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed that he didn’t die in my bed. That would have been very difficult to explain to people who had no idea I even existed.

Anyway, that was one memory to which I was supposed to assign a name/word. Then I had to choose three others. Then I was asked to recall them.

I cannot remember the last time I cried that much. You know the kind. The heaving sobs that take your breath away.

My eyes were closed and I was just focusing on recalling the memory every time the name/word was repeated. I don’t know what my NLP guy was doing, but by the end of it, when I was asked to recall the memories associated with the name/word, I couldn’t cry about them anymore. I still can’t cry about them anymore. Why should I be crying anyway? He clearly does not give a fuck.

I had a fantastic sleep last night–peaceful and rested and determined. I am on Day 25/30 in my Heartbreak Cure journey.

If I ever fall in love again, it will be with a MAN.

I am not any means suggesting that NLP is the solution to ANYONE’S problems, but I needed something that would take me over the hump and actually go out on the dates that I have been asked to go on.

During my writing class tonight, we had to choose a Tarot card from the deck and write about it before knowing that the card actually meant. This is the one I got:

If this isn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.