How big are your titties?

This new year, I decided to venture back online and try to find that someone special. I have been on my own for a while working on myself blah, blah, blah and admittedly feeling like I could benefit from some male companionship. As I mentioned earlier, my sister went on 32 dates before she found her husband, so I figured I would try again. I reset the counter and began. 

I don’t write much in my profile because in the swiping game, it’s mostly about visual appeal. I don’t include much beyond my height but because I seem to be freakishly tall for a girl, it is an important detail. Some women won’t date a man under six feet because of their personal preference. In my case, it’s more so a comfort thing as much for him as it is for me. Not many men like to date women who are taller than them and I am not sure how comfortable I would be dating someone who was more than an inch shorter than I am. Based on some of the men who swipe right on me, they have not even read the two sentences I include nor have they looked at the height section of the profile. 

To men who are 5’9, I have said, I’m a little taller than you is that an issue?

For most of them, the answer is yes. Then I wish them good luck on their search hopefully prompting them to pay more attention to detail the next time. 

In two weeks, I have gone on one date (more about that later), but here is a sampling of the men I have chatted with this week. 

Motherly Love

Him: Are you familiar with female-lead relationships? (He clearly likes to be dominated)

Me: Yes. Is that what you’re into? (This is not my deal, but to be polite, I continue to chat)

HIm: My mother-in-law turned me on to the lifestyle. (Ok. I threw up a little in my mouth, but I have to know)

Me: That must have been quite the conversation. Is this part of the reason your ex is now your ex?

Him: It was intense. 

Me: How intense did it get? Was it physical?

Him: For 15 years it was. (OMFG)

Me: Behind your wife’s back? (vomiting)

HIm: Yes. 

Me: That is seriously messed up. 

I blocked him after that. 

Of all the women on this planet that I’d have to worry about trying to sleep with my partner/husband, I would think that my mother would at least have my back. 

That being said, who reveals this bombshell within the first 10 messages? 

Superman

I started to chat with a man who said he was a writer. He included his website on his profile and I really should have checked it out. It would have saved me some time. After a few hours of messaging back and forth, it was getting late. 

Me: It’s getting late and I have to be up early for work tomorrow. Are you working tomorrow?

Him: You are going to love the murder-mystery novel I’m working on. 

Me: Ok. So you don’t work 9-5? (Getting worried now)

Him: I write from 9-5. 

Who wouldn’t love to write from 9-5? At this point in my writing journey, I can only write when I have time. I wish there was more, but there isn’t. 

Me: Does that sustain you?

Him: I like to help people. (What does this have anything to do with my question?)

Me: That’s a natural reaction for most human beings. Do you work?

Him: I used to work at …. doing …

Me: Do you pay rent? (Say you pay rent. Say you pay rent.)

HIm: I’m at my brother’s right now. HIs wife left him. I don’t know where he’d be if I wasn’t here to help. 

Me: That’s very nice of you. Do you help pay rent?

Him: My brother says I should use my money for food. 

Me: You should really open with that. I wish you good luck in your search. 

Him: I grew up wanting to be Superman so I could help people in need. 

I blocked him after that. I admit I checked out his website afterwards. He was honest when he said he had over 200 blog posts. What I didn’t know was that they were about far-off topics. He even recorded some self-help videos. I won’t comment beyond that because I can’t knock a person for trying to make a living. But clearly, not for me. 

How big are your titties?

It amazes me the questions that some men will ask a woman. Are there women out there that entertain them therefore they feel it is acceptable to ask? I was chatting with another seemingly normal fellow. He had just finished work and we were delving deeper into our lives. We began discussing our children’s ages and things we enjoy doing in our spare time. Then, the conversation veered into more intimate territory. 

Him: Are you a good kisser? (What is the point of this question? Is anyone really going to say no?)

Me: Yes. (No follow-up. No invitation to continue.)

Him: Do you use your tongue and soft lips when you kiss? (What the fuck? No, I use my elbows and my chin.)

Me: Of course. Doesn’t everyone? I don’t usually talk about it though. 

Him: I like that. 

Me: …

Him: How big are your titties?

Me: That’s not a very polite question to ask. 

And I blocked him. 

I’m a gay porn star

Me: What are you up to?

Him: Just finished work. 

Me: What do you do?

HIm: Gay porn. 

I don’t have a problem with gay porn. But this guy looked nothing like a gay porn star. The fact that a grown man would think that a woman in 2020 would find this shocking says a lot about him. 

Me: Fun. 

Him: It’s hard. 

My witty self who is fully aware that this guy is full of shit say:

Me: Isn’t it supposed to be?

Me, referring to the job and the penis.  I don’t think I need to clarify that pun, especially to a gay porn star. His response?

Him: What do you mean?

THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY HE WAS A PORN STAR. 

Me: Limp isn’t good in your line of work is it?

Him: No. LOL

Then he sent me a gif of three guys (all in shorts) getting simultaneous erections. 

Me: Nice. 

I wasn’t sure if I was talking to Beevus or Butthead. 

HIm: For you? Three at a time. Haven’t you done that?

I have no idea what the stats are for foursomes, but I’ll bet the numbers are low in comparison to twosomes and even threesomes. 

Me: I can’t say that I have.

And I will bet dollars to donuts (this expression seems appropriate in this instance) that he hadn’t either. 

Him: Why not?

I am not entertaining this idiot any longer. 

Me: This has been fun. 

And I blocked him. 

The Fisherman

I did go on one date. The red flags were there, he wasn’t working because he got a package from his job, but he has been taking care of his ailing mother so I gave him a pass. 

We had a lovely dinner and went back to his place to watch a movie. He picked it, with little consultation from me. We cuddled a bit, but nothing beyond PG. 

I liked him enough to go on a second date. He came to my neck of the woods this time. He was tired and didn’t feel like going out so we ordered in. He made himself comfortable on my couch, chose Top Gear (the British version) to watch and took control of the remote for the rest of the night. (?)

There was some PG-13 action this time but he doesn’t like to kiss, so that really limits the getting excited factor. The next day, I didn’t reach out because I wasn’t really feeling it. Before bed, he reached out to ask why I hadn’t heard from him. 

I told him the vibe felt off. He asked if we had anything in common besides the physical. Did I sleep with him without noticing? I didn’t even really think we had the physical in common but I told him that getting to know each other was part of dating and yes, we do disagree on some issues, but nothing I couldn’t live with. 

He is on a fishing trip this weekend. I don’t think I’ll hear from him when he gets back. I am not a fan of Ariana Grande, but her song Thank you, next applies here. 

Online dating is not for the faint of heart. You have to kiss a lot of frogs but sometimes even getting to a worthy frog is an issue. Conversations begin and end abruptly on both sides. Is it kinder to let someone know you’re not interested or just ghost them in the hopes that they get the message?

I haven’t gone on anywhere close to 32 dates. I don’t have the time and I realize I don’t have the patience. But I am learning lessons I probably should have learned in my 20s when I was already married with a baby and we all know how that turned out.