It has been a while since I have posted. Truthfully, I have been feeling a little lost. I have been experiencing such a variety of emotions and I realize how much writing helped me process them and how much I missed it.
How can I be feeling lost? I have great kids, amazing friends and family, a career that I can be proud of and the time to do what I want when I want. I’m sitting in Starbucks, uninterrupted, in love with writing and I’m so lucky that I can do this.
I’m tired of being alone.
This post is not being written for sympathy or God forbid pity. It has been more than six months since I made the right decision to end the relationship that was causing more pain than happiness, but now that I have moved on and feel ready to accept someone new into my life, getting myself back out there has been an interesting experience. I have been excited and disappointed and while I understand that this is part of the dating process, I feel like maybe I’m not cut out for it.
I do not have the best taste in men. That is undeniable. Even though I have ‘traded up’ in terms of quality, ‘up’ is a subjective word. I married a man who was a physically abusive adulterer. There was really no way I could do worse. Leaving him was the right decision, but it was humiliating as the marriage lasted less than three years and I couldn’t bear at the time to tell many people the real reason our marriage crumbled. The best thing to come out of that disaster, was my daughter. For her and for everyone who knew me, I put on a brave face. The bruises healed faster than my heart did but I made sure no one ever knew how destroyed I really was.
Years later, I met a man and he was my best friend for almost 8 years. He worked hard for his family and he loved me and my daughter the best way he knew how. He didn’t have the best role models growing up, but I thought I had enough love for him to make up for all of that. He was and is a very high functioning alcoholic. He was supportive and encouraging, but when I got pregnant, his immaturity reared its ugly head. I didn’t need him to be a hands-on father, I could handle all of that. I needed him to be there for me but he didn’t know how. My resentment grew. I felt more alone with him than I did without him. I didn’t want my children growing up in the environment we were creating. So, I decided to leave the house we had built and walked away from the dreams we talked about. He left the country and his daughter. His dreams were no longer my dreams. Although we kept in touch, it wasn’t until my daughter asked about her father did I approach the subject of him being a part of her life. I told him to think hard about what kind of relationship (if any) he wanted to have with her. He missed the first 5 years of her life and I was not willing to let him break the little heart I had worked so hard to keep happy.
In many ways, we are still very good friends. We are still able to talk for hours and he calls bi-weekly. We have discussed what went wrong in our relationship. Being able to break things down in a mature way after so many years has helped us both tremendously. He is complimentary and thankful for all the work I have done for our daughter and he recognizes that I am a good mother. I do not expect any more from him.
The relationship before my latest break up, was with a very old-fashioned man. He truly did expect me to cook, clean and cater to him. I have no problem doing any of those things. I like doing those things, but because I want to, not because those are the things that are expected of me. Fuck that. He was very much a family man which was what I was thought was lacking in the last relationship. But the price he was asking me to pay was too high. He wanted me to give up my friends and my activities. I chose myself. It took me a while.
When I am stressed about making a decision, it is like my body is trying to tell me to get on with it. Indecision causes my anxiety and my panic attacks to return. I have worked so hard to manage this part of my life. I am anxious, therefore I am.
So here I am. I have been on a couple of dates. Nice people, just not for me. I have been talking to someone for a couple of weeks. I think I made another mistake. I think we waited too long to meet and now the excitement has died down. It’s too bad. We seemed to have such a great connection. Our conversations lasted for hours and we had so much in common. My gut however is telling me that it’s not the same as it once was and to move on from him as well.
The good thing is that I am moving on quicker now and not dwelling on things. I read this:
and it couldn’t be more true.
I am not going to settle for someone who is less than. I have made that resolution. It is much easier said than done because I lead with my heart and not with my head.
As hard as it has been, I would much rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t deserve or appreciate me.