It has been a while since my last breakup and of course over 2 years since I’ve been on a first date. I started thinking about it. Then a couple of weeks ago, I decided to give it a try. On the advice of a friend, I created a profile on a site that requires the woman to make the first move in terms of beginning a conversation.

At first, it’s exciting. All the potential matches, then the ‘conversations’ begin and one begins to weed out the creepy guys, the secretly married guys and the perverted guys. Being 5’10, height is also a factor not only for me, but for a potential date. I’m not 5’5 looking to date men who are over 6ft tall, it is very much a level of comfort. If a guy is my height, he has to be comfortable with the fact that I rock the heels. My ex husband was 5’9 and it wasn’t until our honeymoon that he questioned my choice of footwear. On our way to a club one night, he looked at my feet and asked if I was going to wear ‘those high shoes’. As to not piss off my new husband, I did not wear them.

I have made so many mistakes in my relationships, but I have learned FINALLY that my partner has to try to make me happy too. Along the way, I forgot that I am my own person. I made my life all about my kids, or my partner’s needs and I forgot about my own.

I have done a lot of growing. I am not the person I was a year ago. I meditate, I work out regularly, I have found my outlet in my writing, I don’t anger as quickly, my anxiety seems under control, and my confidence is growing again.

So after chatting with a few new people, I took one conversation offline. We talked for hours, our first meeting over coffee lasted for hours, ended with a few kisses and I was excited because he was kind and nice and seemingly honest.

We went out again and the wheels fell off. I went into it with walls up and he seemed to understand and appreciate that. I’m not going to overanalyze the second date. I’ve gone through it all over and over. I wouldn’t change a thing. I was honest and open.

Our subsequent conversations have been fluffy, without the substance they usually contain. I gave myself 24 hours to be a little sad about it. He got me excited about the possibility and I’m mad at myself for letting myself get excited so early. I am not the kind of person who invests time in something that I don’t think is going to go anywhere just for the sake of being in a relationship.

As much as I hate being alone, I am not going to settle EVER again.

In the brief time I spoke to him, he did teach me that men can be gentlemen, they can be intuitive, they can be attentive, but they can also lie.

I’m glad I invested hours in this person and not years.

It has been 21 hours. Three more hours and I will erase all traces of him.

I’m a little bummed, but grateful that I found this out early.

But I dipped my pinky toe in the water and it almost felt good.

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