I was reminded today that I haven’t posted in a while. I don’t have a good excuse, but I do have some interesting stories.
I am in my fourth week of a six week challenge at my kickboxing gym. There is a little less of me as a result and I am trying to be proud of my progress. I am not where I want to be, but I’m getting there, albeit slowly, but I’m getting there. One of the challenges is not only exercise, but a meal plan that requires me to eat at very specific times. I have been working offsite for almost two weeks and it is sometimes so incredibly busy, that I honestly forget to eat. This may not seem like a big deal to some, but I absolutely love food. My body and brain have trained themselves to be cognizant of what I am putting in my mouth. I am resisting many things that in the past would have been difficult. Small, daily victories. Although I did have a small piece of birthday cake, it was for my mom, so I have already forgiven myself.
Something else happened this week, that I am going to have to forgive myself for and although I have tried to rationalize my actions, I did a stupid, stupid thing. So as I am trying to process it. Here is what lead up to it.
Thursday night, the after-school schedule was over-booked. There was tutoring and parent-teacher interviews happening at the same time, so as a family, we had to do some organizing. While I was listening to teacher after teacher rave about my daughter’s academic performances, she did something that will haunt me and scare me for the rest of my life. If I didn’t already have grey hair, it would have all turned white. I promised that I would never repeat what she did, so I am going to respect her privacy, but believe me, dear reader, you don’t have to have a child of your own to understand that what she did was dangerous and could have ended extremely badly. Thankfully, both my children are safe and sound. My oldest daughter was hopefully scared straight and will never put herself in that kind of danger again. She was very lucky this time. I don’t even think she realizes how lucky she was and is, but I do.
That night, I was extremely emotional. I met a friend of mine for tea and I was still reeling. The night before, I received some bad news about a woman I knew who lost her husband. I was reminded that it has been four months since my break up and feeling lonely, I wondered if I had made a mistake.
I have a set of Guardian angel cards that I use to meditate and I kept choosing the ‘Soulmate’ card. In one of my earlier posts, I decided I didn’t need my plan B, so I had already decided that he couldn’t possibly be my soulmate. But what about my ex? Had I made a mistake? At dinner with some friends a couple of weeks ago, one of my friends asked if I was ready to date. I have been thinking about it, and I didn’t think I was. I was trying to figure out why that was. I made the decision to break up with my ex. I decided that I had had enough of his bullshit. I didn’t even want to be with him anymore. So why did I feel like I had to confirm all of this? So in my overly emotional state, I think I wanted to make sure that I had not actually let my potential soulmate go. So stupidly, I called him. Why the fuck did I do it?
One friend suggested that I did it because I needed the closure we never really had and it was almost like I needed to give myself permission to move on by making sure he didn’t hate me too much. He was very surprised to hear from me and as soon as he answered, I knew I shouldn’t have called. But there was no turning back. Fuck. I asked him how he was doing and I acknowledged that it was probably a shock to hear from me. He was cold. No trace of the man I used to love. I don’t know why I expected any different. Was I expecting him to be happy to hear from me?
The conversation lasted 5 minutes and 18 seconds. I made it clear that I was not calling to get back together or anything like that, but that I felt like I needed to apologize for the way we left things. He assured me that I did not have to apologize and that the way we were fighting was not healthy for us. He also acknowledged that his expectations about my level of patience were unfair and the situation he was in that had caused so much turmoil was very much still his reality. Nothing had changed. He is the same person. The same person I loved for as long as I could until my heart that was trying so hard to keep itself together, finally broke. I told him that I appreciated him saying that and I wished that there was something I could say to somehow erase the bad memories. There isn’t, there wasn’t and there never will be. But at least this time, I got to say goodbye forever and I wished him well. I sat in my car after the call and let myself let go of all of the ‘what ifs’. There were a few tears, but I’m not sure if they were all about him or just a release of emotions because of everything that had happened earlier. Whatever the reason, the tears felt right. I don’t cry very often, so there weren’t very many, but enough to make it feel like some kind of weight had been lifted.
I did not let my soulmate go. Even if I never find my soulmate, it was not him.
Before driving home, I checked Instagram. Lo and behold, there is a picture of my Plan B with his new girlfriend with the hashtag #lovemygirl. Poor girl. He said those same words to me less than a month ago. I dodged that bullet.
When I got home, my daughter kept apologizing. She saw that I had been crying. I told her about the phone call I had made. Her response? “It’s okay, Mom. We both did stupid things tonight. Can we forget they ever happened?”
I gave her my phone and asked her to erase any traces of these two men from my phone. Phone numbers? Gone. Voicemails? Gone. Text messages? All gone. I even had her go through my camera roll and erase any potential reminders. Clean slate. No guilt about dating again. No more wondering if I missed something in someone.
The ‘Soulmate’ card is supposed to encourage me to find my truth and seek truth through transformation. It is about choosing freedom and no longer living a lie.
I have been asking the universe to give me a sign. Well, I got two giant flashing ones. It couldn’t be more clear.
I am free.
I took me a while to understand that I have been free for a while, it just took my heart a little time to realize it.