Why did I throw out my Plan B?

I think every one of us has that one person that they are always going to love. Maybe you’re married or in a relationship with that person right now and that’s fantastic. I was in a relationship with someone that ended over three years ago, but he never really went away. He has dated other people, I have dated other people but for some reason, we always stayed connected to each other.

He sent me a text on Valentine’s Day and we were both single. I have always wondered, what if? What if we were supposed to be together? What if the universe is bringing us back to each other? And if I’m being completely honest, I think I always had him in the back of my mind probably to the detriment of some of the relationships I was in. He was my safety net and I was probably his.

So when we started talking again, the cliche faint glimmer of hope was there in my mind. We had coffee a couple of times, there were a few texts exchanged, but we had made plans to go to dinner several times and nothing really ever came to fruition. After the last time, I simply texted. “No worries. Let’s just forget it.”

So what exactly did I actually have to forget?

We will always care about each other. That much is true. And I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t think he wants to hurt me. We have been through that.

I think I have changed quite a bit since we were a couple. I have grown in many ways physically, emotionally and spiritually. I think he is the same person. And not that that is a bad thing, just not my thing anymore. Our tastes are different, our interests are different and probably what we want out of life is different. Though we never got around to discussing any of these things, I think we both know that these issues are there. The reasons we broke up aren’t going to disappear and the issues would still be there if we got back together.

He’s not for me anymore. But it was nice to feel wanted and even nicer to not have to go through the awkward stage of getting to know each other.

This time though, I went into it with eyes wide open. I didn’t jump in too fast. There was no physical contact beyond a hug hello and a hug goodbye. That makes it so much easier. First, because I’m still not ready for that step with anyone at this point and second, I don’t want to make any more mistakes and sleeping with him would have been a mistake that it would have taken me a while to recover from. So, there’s that.

What was great about having a Plan B? Well that’s exactly it. If my Plan A didn’t work out, which with my track record will for sure happen, then there was always Plan B. So why, after all these years, why let him go now?

It’s time. Finally.

I have made so many positive changes in my life. Before Christmas last year, I decided that I wasn’t going to be in an unhappy relationship. As hard as that was, I have learned that I’m better than okay on my own. So why go backwards and back to what was already broken?

And it was broken. And it’s still broken. I didn’t have the butterflies when I received a text from him and didn’t leave him floating on air with unicorns and rainbows. I’ve had that kind of love. I had that kind of love with him, once. That’s the kind of love I want again. Otherwise, what’s the point?

I will always love him. No matter what. But we both deserve better. He doesn’t deserve to be my Plan B. He should be someone’s Plan A and I shouldn’t be held back by what I thought could have been.

So goodbye, my friend. I know I’ll probably never see you again. I wish you all the best and all that shit.