So I have started reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, because clearly, I give too much of a f*ck. I have some personal effects belonging to my ex that I thought I would be nice enough to drop off to the one and only friend of his that I ever had contact with. Why, you ask? According to the author, Mark Manson, I am in the “Feedback Loop from Hell”. Apparently I am so worried about doing the right thing that I’m worrying about worrying. As an anxiety sufferer, this makes total sense.
My irrational side is wondering if he is already dating someone else or worse went back to his ex. I’m worried that he hates me. I’m worried that he still has a key to my house. I’m worried that he owes me money and that he won’t pay me back. Or worse, what if he does pay me back and he includes a nasty note with it? What if he serendipitously ran into another one of my exes and they sat around having a grand old time cutting me up? What if? What if? What if? WHY DO I EVEN GIVE A F*CK?
He CLEARLY does not give a f*ck about me. As a person who gives a f*ck, I would have had the decency to return a call, a text or an email. I do not have the ability to ignore someone. The next time someone asks me about a superpower I would like to possess, having the ability to ignore someone is what I am going to ask for. That takes some big balls.
I had the balls to stand up to him, the balls to end our relationship. I had the balls to block him from all methods of contact. Why then, do I care? Everyone and everything is telling me to not give him or our failed relationship any more attention. But that’s like me going on a diet. The more restrictive the diet, the more I want that food.
Diet book: You will not be able to eat mung beans. (Replace mung beans with any food, really)
Rational Me at 6:00 a.m. the first day of the diet: That’s awesome. No problem. I’ve got this. No mung beans? No problem.
Irrational Me at 10:00 a.m. : How am I going to survive without mung beans? That’s all I’m craving right now is mung beans.
So four posts in, here is the way my brain works. Me on a platter. This is my thought process. Once you get to know me, I become fairly easy to understand and I have become an expert at navigating myself through my own neurosis, hence the reason I still care.
I do not love casually. I do not fall in love easy. I’m still hurting. But why, exactly? Do I miss him? Sometimes. But I know that if he was here, things would be the same and I would be unhappy again. When I mentioned this to his friend, his friend replied, “We always miss the other person in these situations but there was a lot of hostility and a lot of bad that we don’t think about. We make these people up to be bigger than they are.” That also makes sense.
My oldest daughter tells me to forget about it and that I am much more relaxed without him. True. Ironically, I am not having panic attacks as frequently.
I’m on Day 6 of my breakup app. Today, in the 6th day of the process, I am supposed to deal with the feelings I am trying to avoid instead of swiping the Visa or reaching for a candy bar. I’m dealing with the food cravings by snacking on celery and carrots. I did do some shopping at the store where I bought the dress that inspired this blog and I admit, that did make me feel better. I’m also drinking my water and I bought goggles to maybe go swimming one of these nights. More baby steps.
Some of the advice I received about what to do with his personal items? Donate them. Burn them. Use them as leverage to get your money back. I can’t be that mean.
I’m envious that he doesn’t give a f*ck, but I’m learning.