In my last post, I joked about losing 320 lbs. Days later, I’m still trying to find the humour in losing someone that I care about.
So I decided to do some reading about how to get over a break up. My biggest concern is how long it will take to fill this gaping hole in my heart. What a cliché – gaping hole—ugh. The hole is metaphoric, and it’s in my heart, and it feels fucking huge.
One of my challenges, is patience. I couldn’t wait for my ex to figure his shit out. I couldn’t wait for him to get his finances in order. I couldn’t wait for him to let enough time pass so I could be a legitimate part of his life. I couldn’t wait for him to figure out a way to introduce me to his son. I couldn’t wait to start my life with him. I couldn’t wait for his promises to come true.
Brandy Enger, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist specializing in relationships notes, “The truth is that most couples cocreate their issues. Most people lose sight of the nuances of how they failed each other and develop simplistic, all-or-nothing statements about each other.” Although it sounds simple, that’s exactly what we did. He failed me and I failed him. Even though he wasn’t making decisions to intentionally hurt me, he was destroying my self-worth and my confidence. Because I was so hurt, I slowly began to build my walls back up.
I kept adding brick, after brick. The higher the walls, the harder it became for him to climb them. I’m sure at the end, they must have appeared insurmountable. Numerous times he stated that he couldn’t do anything right. Everything he did upset me. To a certain extent, that was true. We ‘broke up’ so many times. He was done with me and I was done with him. What made this last time different? The time I spent away from him, showed me how little of his life I really was a part of. We didn’t spend Christmas together. We didn’t spend New Year’s Eve together. We didn’t spend the last two together so why was this year any different? This year, he felt the pain and loneliness I felt every time a holiday came and went. He never understood what I was going through when I told him how lonely I was without him.
I was afraid to google the words ‘gaping hole’. I thought for sure I would have been presented with hundreds of porn site options. I’m delighted to say that did NOT happen. Instead, the first hit I got was about a highway that was destroyed:
So, this is what my heart feels like right now. I miss him. I’m impatient about that too. I want the feeling to go away, and quickly.
Upon further research, engineers found a way to repair this gaping hole. There are always reasons to be hopeful.